JS Goldberg's Package of Twilight Parodies
by J.S. Goldberg
Summary: Here's some random parodies about Twilight. I probably won't update this very much but it's a side thing I'll work on when I have writer's block...or when hyper. Hope no one takes offense to these. They're written for pure fun. Hope it makes ya laugh.
1. The Talk

"Bella, are you serious?" I asked, my forehead creasing with worry. Her eyebrows furrowed together on that cute little face of hers. God, she was just so pretty ever since she became a vampire. I mean, she was always beautiful to me but there was no denying her new beauty. She then sighed and put her hands on her hips. My thoughts drifted to the night before and I could feel myself getting horny just thinking about it.

"Yes, honey. I'm very serious. If she doesn't learn this from us how else will she?" she asked. I groaned.

"You could always give her a Biology textbook and tell her to go nuts," Emmett piped in.

"Emmett, that's stupid," Bella muttered.

"Yea. I mean, where would we get a Bio textbook?" I chimed in. Bella shot me a glare and I gave her a nervous grin. "_Kidding_ of course, my love."

"Yea yea. So please! You always wanted a family. Didn't you realize this would be one of the responsibilities?!"

"Yes! But I didn't expect to do it when she was FIVE!" I argued.

"Sweetie, physically she's five but you know her mentality is that of a fifteen year old. She's having those thoughts. She's curious," Bella retorted. I groaned. Alice smirked at me.

'You're not going to win, bro. Let it go now before Bella refuses sex on your ass tonight.' I turned to Alice and shot her my infamous glare. She responded by dancing over to me, ruffling my hair, and dancing away into the kitchen. Just then, my daughter and Jacob entered the room. It must have been cold outside because both their faces were flushed.

"Nessie, I need a word with you," I said slowly with a cringe on my face. When I glanced at Bella, she gave me a reassuring smile. Damn that shield of hers. I would love to hear her thoughts right now. Nessie looked confused but took a seat on the couch.

"What's up, dad?" I took a seat beside her.

"I need to talk to you about…sex."

"What about it?" she asked non chalantly.

"When…a man-"

"Or vampire. Or…wolf boy in your case," Emmett interrupted with a chuckle. Jacob growled.

"Ahem. When a man, or male creature of some sort, and a woman such as yourself truly love each other…they might start to get these feelings. Feelings to-"

"Stick his ding dong in her hello!"

"EMMETT! DON'T MAKE ME KICK YOUR…BUTT!" I shouted. I caught myself at the last moment. It was bad enough I was giving my daughter the sex talk. But to swear would be an unpleasant bonus.

"Um, dad. It's really ok. You don't need to explain this to me," Nessie said with a grin on her face and a blush. It reminded me of when Bella was human. She would always blush around me. Especially when we were- HOLD UP!

"Wait just a darn second. What do you mean I don't need to explain this?!"

"Um, well. I kind of asked Jacob about it and he explained it to me," she said, her cheeks turning a darker shade of red.

"Nessie, show me what happened today."

"What?"

"Show. Me. Your. Day. With. Jacob."

She cringed and lifter her hand. She reached out and touched my face. Instantly I was filled with thoughts of Jacob and her running around, hunting, and then them at the cottage. She was asking him about sex and then it happened. I gulped and tried to stop the bile rising in my throat. Images of Jacob and Nessie having sex flooded my mind. I quickly pulled her hand away and looked at Jacob. I don't know how fierce my expression looked. But it sure felt fierce. That werewolf was going to PAY!

"YOU SICK PERVERT!" I shouted as I pounced on Jacob. Before I could catch him, he changed into his wolf form and bolted out of the house. "DON'T EVER GO NEAR MY DAUGHTER AGAIN!"

"So, who's hungry?" I heard Emmett say as the room filled with awkward silence.

"Emmett, shut the fuck up," Bella muttered.

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_A/N: Woo! I wrote a Twilight parody. I got the idea from my friend, Sarah, and her friend, Becca. Thanks for letting me write this! Also, in case my other readers are reading this: I'm halfway done with the next chapter of HIAMMSB. :) So hopefully I can update that soon. There's another parody that I'll be uploading shortly. It will have no reference to this one. _


	2. Harry Potter Comes to Town

My broom landed softly on the cushiony grass. It was so nice to be away from that bloody awful family. Bunch of flabby retards that would be called waste rather than people. I glanced around and saw no one was around me. I sighed with relief. Where was that family of mine, dang it? Technically, it wasn't _my_ family though.

"Can I help you, boy?" a man asked. I whirled around and gave him a look of accusation. Could this be Voldemort? I had to watch my back. Literally. He was the most famous pedophile in the whole wizarding world. That little fucker had been after me ever since I was a baby. Sick, right? Everyone thought he just wanted to kill me. But I knew when we were alone in my first year of Hogwarts that the stone wasn't the only thing hard in that room. If you catch my drift.

"Yea. I'm looking for the Black family."

"Ahh, the Blacks. They're up in La Push. I could take you with me. I was going to have lunch with them soon. I just need to make a stop to pick up Bella, my daughter. Would you like a ride?"

"Sure," I said narrowing my eyes at him. I got in his car and the whole ride was silent. I wish the man would turn on a radio or something. Finally, we arrived. My eyes widened as I saw a young, foxy lady and a boy who looked strangely familiar making out on the porch.

"Oh brother," I heard the man beside me groan. "That's my daughter and her…boyfriend."

"He looks familiar," I whispered. He stepped out of his car.

"BELLA! Take that whore ass of yours and go change out of that slut outfit Cullen has got you in!"

"Yes, daddy." The girl, named Bella, ran into the house and the man followed her. I was left alone, staring at the young boy known as her boyfriend. My breath caught in my throat…it couldn't have been.

"CEDRIC?!" I shouted. His head snapped towards me and his eyes widened.

"HARRY?! HARRY POTTER?! What the effing hell are you doing here?" he asked. I bolted out of the car and pulled him into a tight embrace. Oh how I missed this boy so.

"Who cares?! I thought you died!"

"About that. Voldemort got the spell wrong. He sent me back in time. And then I was bitten and now…well, I'm a vampire. By the name of Edward Cullen. Oh my goodness! I missed you so much!"

Suddenly, we started making out in a fit of raging passion and lust. I had missed his touch, his kiss, and his hard boner against my leg. I moaned and then suddenly pulled away.

"Wait! Wait! Wait! What about that skank whore you were just going wild with?"

"She's just some tramp whore. I don't think she cares. I mean, she has a thing for her dad anyway. She's screwing him right now. I can hear their distant moans of pleasure," he said in a bored tone. I shrugged. Ohh Voldy. Killing Cedric and bringing him back as Edward Cullen. Smart plan, you sick son of a bitch.

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A/N: _WOO! Yet another parody. This idea was originally Kinvalar's (Tony). But his turned into a oneshot rather than a parody. So I asked if I could take a wack at it. And voila! THANKS TONY FOR LETTING ME USE YOUR IDEA! :) _


	3. Mike Is A Freak

"OH. MY. GOD!" Bella screamed. Edward bolted into the room.

"What's wrong, baby?" he asked. Bella slid to the floor in tears. "What's wrong!?" She burst into a hysterical breakdown. "FOR FUCK'S SAKE TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG!"

"My clothes are missing. I-I-I-I-I think Victoria stole them! And her band of newborns!" Bella said in hiccups. Edward stared at her blankly.

"Bella, that's silly. What are you on, crack?" Edward asked with a chuckle. Bella glared at him. Why didn't anyone take her seriously.

"EDDIPUSS!"

"HEY! ONLY JACOB CAN CALL ME THAT! And of course no one takes you seriously."

"How did you know I was thinking that…?! You can't hear my thoughts!" Bella shouted. Edward mentally slapped himself. _'Damn my slip up…I was thoroughly enjoying her thoughts without letting her know I could hear them. Who knew someone who is as dreary as Bella could have such an open mind about sex…?' _Edward felt himself getting horny and shook his head to rid his thoughts.

"Never mind about that. Now, Bella, I am positive it isn't them."

"Well…if it's not them do you think it's the Volturi?"

"Bella, now you are just being ridiculous," Edward said with a scoff. With that he left the room. Bella shrugged and followed him. Little did they know, Mike Newton was off in the distance rubbing Bella's clothes along his cheeks.

"Ohh Bella, your hot womanhood have touched these hot red granny panties. They smell like you too," Mike said with a deep, lustful sigh.

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_A/N: Ummmmmmmmmmm...I don't even know what to say. But this was my idea. hehehehe Mike Newton is such a freak! LOL! skips off in giggles_


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